I don't deny

the fact that even though I am the one who initiated the break up, I miss him a lot. I kept asking myself why did I ask for a break up I didn't even want. But I'm left with only one choice and no matter how horrible or how much I don't want that break up, I know that is the only way. Through out the day, the thought of calling him crossed my mind like a billion times, even now. That is why I am here typing a piece of my mind out. I have to keep telling myself, whatever you do, DO NOT CALL him. I don't even know what I am feeling right now. I feel the pain as though a hole has been punctured through my chest and yet, I can't cry it all out. I wanted to read my new favorite book The Rules of Life by Richard Templar but my mind wouldn't let me.I cooked dinner but ever spoon that I feed myself, I feel like I'm stuffing myself.

I was worried bout my coming holiday trip but now I have already settled that problem. Why am I still not happy? I realize subconsciously, I am letting go of everything, disappointing people around me. I should  apologize for I know who's feelings I hurt today. I think I will. I can't and won't stay like this forever. I need to find the strength to be strong.