Better days

I am writing this because I stumbled upon my ex housemate's facebook profile. Yes, flooded with memories of those days. In which now, I regretted deeply. I never knew what I had. I was far too young to know how to appreciate things and people in life. At this point right now, I am screaming out loud inside. Please, step in to my time machine and let me show you my better days.

*plays Justin Bieber Pray* JK!

I was studying in SEGi college. Had a bunch of friends that i can talk, laugh and most importantly cry to. Partied occasionally which plain ol fun of dancing, laughter, smokes and such. Not bad grades and I actually cared bout my studies. Yea, don't laugh! Back then, staying up late was only for studies and boyfriend, only occasionally for  parties. Few good buddies although thru time and better understanding we grew apart. One person that I never really grew apart but closer was Christianne.She's from India. We did almost everything together. Laughed a lot like seriously. Well, there's fights too. Girl, you owe me one when I let you bunk in my room when your room is under "renovation". She's quite understanding too when I have my bf over. *shy* Oh, we also pierced our nose together and screamed out loud when we try to change the stud. heheh... Sadly, we did grew apart. She had to move back to India cz she's done with her diploma and I transferred to Inti College. Well, Segi is a small, simple college back then and I sorta regretted moving to Inti. (you Inti friends don't get offended. I love ya'll the same) Lets put it this way, people always says small town is a good place to bring a kid up kinda saying? Yeah, that's Segi. I hope you get the drift.

Let's go back to the better days before I get drifted to the dark days. Back then, I partied occasionally. Threw house parties that I am sure most of my friends laughed their ass off. Literally. We did really weird, silly, and crazy things. Plain ol fun and laughter. Everyone is so spontaneous with no agenda. And the party is really simple. No music or fancy clothing. Just booze and awesome company. We could play games till morning. Yeah.. crazy.

I believe I have mention 10 times if not 20 in other post and twitter that I dated the nicest guy in town. Well back then lah, now I don't know. I'm not gonna say the nice or nasty thing. I realize I will never find someone like him. Either better or worst. Well, I've met some worst guy (or have I not? fml) so I hope I'll meet some better in the future. All these while, I try to so called let him go cz I tot I still miss him. fml again. No, I don't. Don't blame me but he set the benchmark really high. No, he's not a hopeless romantic nor a heir of a wealth family. He don't know anything bout being romantic or did he ever bought me fancy gifts but everything that he did was from the bottom of his heart. Nothing beats that. Oh shit, I'm talking bout him again. No, I'm not a psychopath but hey, I'm talking bout those days and I can't help but flooded with memories, right?

Anyway, those days I was so contented and yet I don't see it? How does that make sense? Whatever. I don't own a car. I have to walk 10 minutes to college. Occasionally gets car ride from my friends.(thanks) The easiest access to the mall without help for groceries and basic necessities was Summit. There's grunts and complains here and there but I never exactly wished to have a better life. By the time I was done writing all this, I realized all this is gone. Long time. I have been living in the past. Don't really know what that means but that's how I feel.

Now, I wanna continue talk bout how I feel bout present. BUT, maybe next time. This post is long enough.

I kept asking

myself the whole night "Is there anything I could do to save this relationship?" while intoxicated. How do a person try to "be yourself" and yet be someone that he wants? It's totally contradicting but nonetheless, I tried my very best. I gave my very best till the point where there is no word needed during the break up. Just a simple take care.

I try to convince myself that I will be O.K. but I couldn't stop wondering where is the man that used to be so loving and passionate. Where we show the affection and shared the memories at the very couch. It come till this point where we were sitting on the couch, one end and another, no words at all. I realize when something has changed, no matter how hard I tried, it will never be the same. It could be better or worse. This is definitely worse.

Every couple in this world argue, fight, quarrel, etc. But this means they actually cared enough to put up a fight for it! I'd like to think the reason why we fight so often and broke up so many times was because there's something there to hold us together. When you realize your feelings for someone, how far would you go to be with that person? Is the feeling itself enough? The answer is no. Because you need to be able to be his tact team, to be smarter than him, have lots of friends, in short just be awesome. I knew I couldn't be everything that he wanted or give him everything in the world but at least I know I would give him my world. You know, the whole sweet talk kinda thing is just too lame for a cool person like him, probably that's why it didn't work. I'm a hopeless romantic and he probably is a macho man that is too cool to be in love?

I admit the fact that some anger is slowly building up in me. Well, of course I'm mad. The fact that after all I've done and he think it's not enough? Who the hell you think you are to demand all this? Here's a story I can relate to when I was at one of the Sunday service; 1 As Jesus looked up, he saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. 2 He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. 3 “Truly I tell you,” he said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others. 4 All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.” It was never a matter of how much you give, but how you give it all with what you had. Anyway, if you said that you did your best to save this relationship, then maybe I overestimated you and underestimated myself.

All I can is, with all this happened, I can or should I say must focus on my current plans. Well, that is something that matters to me the most right now. Focus and do my very best. If I get it, good for me. If  not, I'm sure there's other ways to get what I want. O well, like how often people said, "Don't make someone or something as the priority in your life when you're just an option".

Face it

I actually made this site a place to pour out my thoughts that some people would dread to read. Then again, it's my site and people who tell me to be careful of what I post here cz bla bla bla... Lets's just say, I don't care. You're not one of the 3F's.

Anyway, this morning, I woke up feeling O.K. actually. Can't remember exactly what but before I fell asleep I found a damn good reason not to call him any more. Also, when my sis was being so supportive she allowed me to disturb her any time until I'm fine but after that, she'll charge me. >< Daddy said it's better to be loved than loving someone. This isn't the best advise but if you can't love each other well, find someone who loves you. Someone who finds you beautiful even your hair is messy, and still smells good with the sweat. In short, someone who sees right through your imperfection and still loving it.

Anyway, bout my gym workout, I kinda got the rhythm. My packs is not back yet but hell, I'm losing some tummy as I see this morning. Besides, I still have less than seventeen days to Phuket, I probably won't look the best, but at least my best! Wish me luck! :D

Dream a lil dream

Woke up this morning feeling like crap cz my dream is better than reality. It has been two nights in a row that I dreamt of him. And not just any dream you see, it was us getting back together and we were stronger than before or so I think. haha. Anyway, I am the type of person who believes that our dream sent us signals and it's up to us to interpret it. Yes, I love waking up and think of what I dreamt and interpret it.

What would I interpret for this one? Could it be a sign of us getting back together? Hell no! This is just a fucking dream for I think of him too fucking much. What I should really do is slap myself hard and move on.

*Updated an hour later*
Fine, I admit that I actually went and interpret my dream. *boo me* But guess what? According to dreammoods.com here's what it says " to dream about your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or ex-husband/wife or that you and your ex got back together again, suggests that something or someone in your current life is bringing out similar feelings you felt during that relationship with your ex."  I guess it's not such a bad dream after all. 

I don't deny

the fact that even though I am the one who initiated the break up, I miss him a lot. I kept asking myself why did I ask for a break up I didn't even want. But I'm left with only one choice and no matter how horrible or how much I don't want that break up, I know that is the only way. Through out the day, the thought of calling him crossed my mind like a billion times, even now. That is why I am here typing a piece of my mind out. I have to keep telling myself, whatever you do, DO NOT CALL him. I don't even know what I am feeling right now. I feel the pain as though a hole has been punctured through my chest and yet, I can't cry it all out. I wanted to read my new favorite book The Rules of Life by Richard Templar but my mind wouldn't let me.I cooked dinner but ever spoon that I feed myself, I feel like I'm stuffing myself.

I was worried bout my coming holiday trip but now I have already settled that problem. Why am I still not happy? I realize subconsciously, I am letting go of everything, disappointing people around me. I should  apologize for I know who's feelings I hurt today. I think I will. I can't and won't stay like this forever. I need to find the strength to be strong.

Why the pain

when you can choose to feel good? It's very often that we kept thinking of the bad stuff and throws away the good stuff. Just like how we kept thinking how a particular person did us wrong and forgot the good stuff. How we over looked the good stuff and making a big fuss outta probably a small bad stuff.

Unfortunately in my case, I'm very reluctant to let go of the good stuff and allowed the bad stuff swallowed me in. Keep holding on even after being pushed way beyond my breaking point. What I need exactly was the logical talk, the type that would slap some senses in to me. I mean, I have been hearing all this for the couple of months but I believed that I should listen to myself instead of other's advice. You know, the type of thinking ; what do they know bout me? In the end, I guess I'm still a human with only so much of pain I can process. When I can think logically, I realise why would I allow some egoistic bugger mess with my feelings? Where he waltz in to my life and took so much control than I actually knew. Then again, lets not speak of the past. It happened cz I let it happen. This is the point where I fix things. To leave him and start over.

It is definitely the last choice I would make if it's possible. It's against what I want but I believe it's what I need. Sometimes we need to realise that, what we want is not necessary what we need nor is good for us and vice versa. And even I made this sounds like a total mistake, I would actually be grateful for he once enlighten me in many things. Instead of saying "all" these things reminding me of him, I would say this is part of growing up. If he did not came in to my life and did all this, someone else will. There's nothing to be sad about.

The new 3Fs that I think is hilariously true. If you think I give a shit, you're not Feeding me, Fucking me, or Financing me, so think again. So you might know my name, but do you know who I am? You might know my story, but do you know what I've gone through? One could be looking down on someone and thinks he or she is a loser but hey, everything has a cycle. *pause* Geez... I rambled so much without knowing. wtf. I could say I'm done with it but it still lurks in me. Anyway, its always mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter. 

Opposite

Do grass really look greener from the other side? Apparently it does.


 I still remember the days where I use to be in a relationship, all I ever wish for is to be single and happy! It's not that I'm not happy to be in the relationship. *ahem* It's just that whatever they are doing seems more fun. 

And now, I have stayed out of relationships for (X) months. Well, I must say the first few months was awesome. I party like there's no tomorrow and lived life with no boundaries.


 And I deffos thought that being single isn't that bad after all. And now, all I see is happy couples. No, I don't wish to be in a relationship yet. It may sound contradicting but that's how I feel! Hmph.. I don't know how to explain this. 

But I guess it's human nature. We always crave for something that we don't have or already lost. I guess the solution is very simple.


 Be contented! So easy rite? Two words simple words and that's it? What is the true meaning behind this words? Do we really understand the definition behind it? Can we actually do it?

Here's something to ponder: 

We cannot be contented because we are happy, 

and we cannot be happy because we are contented. 

-Walter Savage Landor