Better days

I am writing this because I stumbled upon my ex housemate's facebook profile. Yes, flooded with memories of those days. In which now, I regretted deeply. I never knew what I had. I was far too young to know how to appreciate things and people in life. At this point right now, I am screaming out loud inside. Please, step in to my time machine and let me show you my better days.

*plays Justin Bieber Pray* JK!

I was studying in SEGi college. Had a bunch of friends that i can talk, laugh and most importantly cry to. Partied occasionally which plain ol fun of dancing, laughter, smokes and such. Not bad grades and I actually cared bout my studies. Yea, don't laugh! Back then, staying up late was only for studies and boyfriend, only occasionally for  parties. Few good buddies although thru time and better understanding we grew apart. One person that I never really grew apart but closer was Christianne.She's from India. We did almost everything together. Laughed a lot like seriously. Well, there's fights too. Girl, you owe me one when I let you bunk in my room when your room is under "renovation". She's quite understanding too when I have my bf over. *shy* Oh, we also pierced our nose together and screamed out loud when we try to change the stud. heheh... Sadly, we did grew apart. She had to move back to India cz she's done with her diploma and I transferred to Inti College. Well, Segi is a small, simple college back then and I sorta regretted moving to Inti. (you Inti friends don't get offended. I love ya'll the same) Lets put it this way, people always says small town is a good place to bring a kid up kinda saying? Yeah, that's Segi. I hope you get the drift.

Let's go back to the better days before I get drifted to the dark days. Back then, I partied occasionally. Threw house parties that I am sure most of my friends laughed their ass off. Literally. We did really weird, silly, and crazy things. Plain ol fun and laughter. Everyone is so spontaneous with no agenda. And the party is really simple. No music or fancy clothing. Just booze and awesome company. We could play games till morning. Yeah.. crazy.

I believe I have mention 10 times if not 20 in other post and twitter that I dated the nicest guy in town. Well back then lah, now I don't know. I'm not gonna say the nice or nasty thing. I realize I will never find someone like him. Either better or worst. Well, I've met some worst guy (or have I not? fml) so I hope I'll meet some better in the future. All these while, I try to so called let him go cz I tot I still miss him. fml again. No, I don't. Don't blame me but he set the benchmark really high. No, he's not a hopeless romantic nor a heir of a wealth family. He don't know anything bout being romantic or did he ever bought me fancy gifts but everything that he did was from the bottom of his heart. Nothing beats that. Oh shit, I'm talking bout him again. No, I'm not a psychopath but hey, I'm talking bout those days and I can't help but flooded with memories, right?

Anyway, those days I was so contented and yet I don't see it? How does that make sense? Whatever. I don't own a car. I have to walk 10 minutes to college. Occasionally gets car ride from my friends.(thanks) The easiest access to the mall without help for groceries and basic necessities was Summit. There's grunts and complains here and there but I never exactly wished to have a better life. By the time I was done writing all this, I realized all this is gone. Long time. I have been living in the past. Don't really know what that means but that's how I feel.

Now, I wanna continue talk bout how I feel bout present. BUT, maybe next time. This post is long enough.

Story to share

I am feeling absolutely guilty for abandoning my blog like this for so long. No updates no shit. Only tweeting. It is probably the easiest way to blog. lazy haha. Anyway, I have been feeling better since.. erm.. last night. Well, as the usual me (emo-ing) and was playing Angry Birds to distract myself at 2 am. I have to say my insomnia is back but deffos not getting worst.

I know in the 21st century, many people are free thinkers, agnostic or even an atheist. What I about to say is that, something miraculously happened. Like I said, I was playing Angry Birds and I was clearly not enjoying it cz I'm forcing myself to play it. Why can't I do something else to distract myself you asked? Well, is 2am and there's not much to do. Argh... the thing that happened was, a thought or a quote popped in to my head. I have heard of this quote before. During one of the Sunday service last year at Grace's Church. I went and google the quote and found it easily.

   " God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them. "

Immediately I burst into tears. I have been feeling sad for a while with the only problem, I couldn't let it out. It feel like it's indescribable and no matter how I try to explain, it just does not do any justice to how I feel. I kept asking around if my healing progress is normal cz it has been so long since it happened. So last night, I felt like someone actually understand my pain. It has been some time since I last said my prayers, so I did when I burst into tears. It probably lasted about 10 minutes there but when I actually stopped, I felt calm and peaceful. Something that I hasn't felt in ages. I also kinda understand the fact that God wouldn't give me something that I can't handle. I only wish that He trust me less.


So for the first time in months if not years, I actually fell asleep feeling safe, calm and peaceful. Sounds as though I died, wtf. lol. Although I am yet to fully back on track, at least the emo-ness somehow distanced. I also learned IF I ever feel sad or when I feel like my path is dimmed, I shall pray. I admit that through out the 7 deadly sins; pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed, and sloth, I committed some of them. I gave in hopping to feel better as if that's the way it's suppose to be. Mind you, I said I committed SOME not all! I don't wanna go to hell wtf. Yea, like God's taking count what I wrote here.

Anyway, everyone has different ways of making themselves feel better. Only that I discovered it so much later. *sweat* This is deffos my way and I sure many people out there share the same as well. There's another quote that I want to share before I end this. *wink*

"God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame.

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

A letter to the 16 year old me

Inspired by Timothy and Audrey

Dear 16 years old Fiona,

I think I owe you one, so let me warn you about the future. Let me explain slowly. You are very excited about growing up, yes I know all about that. You can’t wait to leave high school and want to behave like an adult, right? I’m not going to ask you to concentrate in your studies because you won’t. You have a boyfriend and you think he’s the best. But you’re wrong and I’ll explain why later.  Let’s just skip ahead to graduation aight? Your best friends, Jenny, Alison, Christine, and Rachel promised to keep in touch and also signed a photo album you made in memories of high school. Don’t be disappointed but ya’ll never did keep in touch. Maybe an occasionally a “how are you?”, but that’s all.

Don’t forget that 5 months later, you are going to serve national service for 3 months in a God forsaken place called Kuala Kubu Bahru. Even till now, I don’t know where that is. You will cry a lot because you missed home and your boyfriend. Not to worry, you will meet Ivy, Cheryl, Neeta, Claudie and Daniella. All you guys will stick together the whole time and try not to fake your sickness with Ivy that often. The whole camp will recognize you both as the M.C. girls. There will also be a boy in the camp that likes you but that is not the reason why you broke up with your boyfriend.  You learn that the world is a huge place with lots to explore and he is (sorry to do this but eventually you’ll find out) a loser. Few years later he ended up impregnating a girl who just got out of high school and got married. Yeah, thank me later for saving your ass.

After leaving camp, you and Neeta flew to Kuching to meet Ivy. You had an awesome time there for about a week but let’s just say, what happened there, stays there.  Moving on, you wanted to go college but then you regret for your SPM results sucks. You manage to get in to SEGi College studying American Degree Program. Surprisingly your results weren’t too bad. The first semester, you drove to college every day. In SEGi, you will meet friends like Samantha, Roseline, Vivi, Victor, Jordan and lots more people! And you also moved to USJ 2 with Vivi, Victor and Jordan. You will be extremely excited with the new found freedom.  One night, you went clubbing with Samantha and the best thing happened to you. You will meet a guy by the name Shaun. He will ask for your number and you guys ended up together. He is a very nice guy and totally your type. He can cook French, Chinese, and Western food. Also he plays basketball and acoustic guitar very well. Just try not to bring him home and meet your dad so often cz your dad thinks he’s perfect and give you a hard time when you dumped him. I’m not crazy but 1 ½ years later you dump him for the world. Yes, you wanted to explore more and being with him you felt tied down. This is when the road of no return begins. You started to party a lot and meet lots of new people. You start to date Kenny’s friend Richard. Again I will tell you, he is a nice guy only the timing was wrong.  Six months later, ya’ll fight a lot mostly because you partied a lot and also did things that ended up hurting him and regretting it yourself. Just remember it’s no one’s fault but you. Nonetheless, both of you tried very hard to sustain the relationship. Even though things didn’t work out, ya’ll remained friends until today.

Very quickly, 2 years flew by and you wanted to study in America so you transferred to Inti College and moved to Ss15 as well. There you will meet Nagen, Vidya, Jun Hwang, Umar , Roohi and some other friends.  . Oh, don’t forget that Samantha and Roseline will keep in touch and meet up with you occasionally. On your 21^st birthday, you threw a pool party in Ss14 and got wasted. A year passed and your dad will forbid you to America and you ended up working for him. Then Nagen and Jun Hwang will be leaving Msia for America, leaving you and Umar behind. But be thankful, you will need Umar to go through all the tough times later.  You will also meet a guy who is 10 years older than you. Do not freak out because you will be 22 and legal. Just try to not fall in love so hard for him. He will not appreciate it. You will be flying to New York to be reunited with your mom since you last saw her 10 years ago. You were there for 3 weeks and had the time of your life experiencing the first snow and blizzard. Not to mention the shopping haul that you came back with. Few months later, you think things between you and bf is getting serious. You are wrong. He will break your heart to a million pieces. You will also have a hard time forgetting him. For months you will have nightmare and sleepless nights and all he cares is to hurt you even more. You don’t know whether to thank him for giving you a lifetime lesson or giving you the lifetime pain.  You are not sure when you will ever fully let him go. Also, thank your sister in law, Coco because she was there for you not all but most of the times. She encouraged you to go chase your dream in which, you will confidently. Do not beat yourself up but you will fail for the first time. Do not give up because not everyone succeeds on the first try. You will find something very useful online and that help you to make your dream come true.

Love,

23 years old Fiona.

P/S: Write me a letter on what you want. I’ll try my best to work on it.