Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Better days

I am writing this because I stumbled upon my ex housemate's facebook profile. Yes, flooded with memories of those days. In which now, I regretted deeply. I never knew what I had. I was far too young to know how to appreciate things and people in life. At this point right now, I am screaming out loud inside. Please, step in to my time machine and let me show you my better days.

*plays Justin Bieber Pray* JK!

I was studying in SEGi college. Had a bunch of friends that i can talk, laugh and most importantly cry to. Partied occasionally which plain ol fun of dancing, laughter, smokes and such. Not bad grades and I actually cared bout my studies. Yea, don't laugh! Back then, staying up late was only for studies and boyfriend, only occasionally for  parties. Few good buddies although thru time and better understanding we grew apart. One person that I never really grew apart but closer was Christianne.She's from India. We did almost everything together. Laughed a lot like seriously. Well, there's fights too. Girl, you owe me one when I let you bunk in my room when your room is under "renovation". She's quite understanding too when I have my bf over. *shy* Oh, we also pierced our nose together and screamed out loud when we try to change the stud. heheh... Sadly, we did grew apart. She had to move back to India cz she's done with her diploma and I transferred to Inti College. Well, Segi is a small, simple college back then and I sorta regretted moving to Inti. (you Inti friends don't get offended. I love ya'll the same) Lets put it this way, people always says small town is a good place to bring a kid up kinda saying? Yeah, that's Segi. I hope you get the drift.

Let's go back to the better days before I get drifted to the dark days. Back then, I partied occasionally. Threw house parties that I am sure most of my friends laughed their ass off. Literally. We did really weird, silly, and crazy things. Plain ol fun and laughter. Everyone is so spontaneous with no agenda. And the party is really simple. No music or fancy clothing. Just booze and awesome company. We could play games till morning. Yeah.. crazy.

I believe I have mention 10 times if not 20 in other post and twitter that I dated the nicest guy in town. Well back then lah, now I don't know. I'm not gonna say the nice or nasty thing. I realize I will never find someone like him. Either better or worst. Well, I've met some worst guy (or have I not? fml) so I hope I'll meet some better in the future. All these while, I try to so called let him go cz I tot I still miss him. fml again. No, I don't. Don't blame me but he set the benchmark really high. No, he's not a hopeless romantic nor a heir of a wealth family. He don't know anything bout being romantic or did he ever bought me fancy gifts but everything that he did was from the bottom of his heart. Nothing beats that. Oh shit, I'm talking bout him again. No, I'm not a psychopath but hey, I'm talking bout those days and I can't help but flooded with memories, right?

Anyway, those days I was so contented and yet I don't see it? How does that make sense? Whatever. I don't own a car. I have to walk 10 minutes to college. Occasionally gets car ride from my friends.(thanks) The easiest access to the mall without help for groceries and basic necessities was Summit. There's grunts and complains here and there but I never exactly wished to have a better life. By the time I was done writing all this, I realized all this is gone. Long time. I have been living in the past. Don't really know what that means but that's how I feel.

Now, I wanna continue talk bout how I feel bout present. BUT, maybe next time. This post is long enough.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Story to share

I am feeling absolutely guilty for abandoning my blog like this for so long. No updates no shit. Only tweeting. It is probably the easiest way to blog. lazy haha. Anyway, I have been feeling better since.. erm.. last night. Well, as the usual me (emo-ing) and was playing Angry Birds to distract myself at 2 am. I have to say my insomnia is back but deffos not getting worst.

I know in the 21st century, many people are free thinkers, agnostic or even an atheist. What I about to say is that, something miraculously happened. Like I said, I was playing Angry Birds and I was clearly not enjoying it cz I'm forcing myself to play it. Why can't I do something else to distract myself you asked? Well, is 2am and there's not much to do. Argh... the thing that happened was, a thought or a quote popped in to my head. I have heard of this quote before. During one of the Sunday service last year at Grace's Church. I went and google the quote and found it easily.

   " God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them. "
Immediately I burst into tears. I have been feeling sad for a while with the only problem, I couldn't let it out. It feel like it's indescribable and no matter how I try to explain, it just does not do any justice to how I feel. I kept asking around if my healing progress is normal cz it has been so long since it happened. So last night, I felt like someone actually understand my pain. It has been some time since I last said my prayers, so I did when I burst into tears. It probably lasted about 10 minutes there but when I actually stopped, I felt calm and peaceful. Something that I hasn't felt in ages. I also kinda understand the fact that God wouldn't give me something that I can't handle. I only wish that He trust me less.

So for the first time in months if not years, I actually fell asleep feeling safe, calm and peaceful. Sounds as though I died, wtf. lol. Although I am yet to fully back on track, at least the emo-ness somehow distanced. I also learned IF I ever feel sad or when I feel like my path is dimmed, I shall pray. I admit that through out the 7 deadly sins; pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed, and sloth, I committed some of them. I gave in hopping to feel better as if that's the way it's suppose to be. Mind you, I said I committed SOME not all! I don't wanna go to hell wtf. Yea, like God's taking count what I wrote here.

Anyway, everyone has different ways of making themselves feel better. Only that I discovered it so much later. *sweat* This is deffos my way and I sure many people out there share the same as well. There's another quote that I want to share before I end this. *wink*

"God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame.
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning