I don't deny

the fact that even though I am the one who initiated the break up, I miss him a lot. I kept asking myself why did I ask for a break up I didn't even want. But I'm left with only one choice and no matter how horrible or how much I don't want that break up, I know that is the only way. Through out the day, the thought of calling him crossed my mind like a billion times, even now. That is why I am here typing a piece of my mind out. I have to keep telling myself, whatever you do, DO NOT CALL him. I don't even know what I am feeling right now. I feel the pain as though a hole has been punctured through my chest and yet, I can't cry it all out. I wanted to read my new favorite book The Rules of Life by Richard Templar but my mind wouldn't let me.I cooked dinner but ever spoon that I feed myself, I feel like I'm stuffing myself.

I was worried bout my coming holiday trip but now I have already settled that problem. Why am I still not happy? I realize subconsciously, I am letting go of everything, disappointing people around me. I should  apologize for I know who's feelings I hurt today. I think I will. I can't and won't stay like this forever. I need to find the strength to be strong.

Why the pain

when you can choose to feel good? It's very often that we kept thinking of the bad stuff and throws away the good stuff. Just like how we kept thinking how a particular person did us wrong and forgot the good stuff. How we over looked the good stuff and making a big fuss outta probably a small bad stuff.

Unfortunately in my case, I'm very reluctant to let go of the good stuff and allowed the bad stuff swallowed me in. Keep holding on even after being pushed way beyond my breaking point. What I need exactly was the logical talk, the type that would slap some senses in to me. I mean, I have been hearing all this for the couple of months but I believed that I should listen to myself instead of other's advice. You know, the type of thinking ; what do they know bout me? In the end, I guess I'm still a human with only so much of pain I can process. When I can think logically, I realise why would I allow some egoistic bugger mess with my feelings? Where he waltz in to my life and took so much control than I actually knew. Then again, lets not speak of the past. It happened cz I let it happen. This is the point where I fix things. To leave him and start over.

It is definitely the last choice I would make if it's possible. It's against what I want but I believe it's what I need. Sometimes we need to realise that, what we want is not necessary what we need nor is good for us and vice versa. And even I made this sounds like a total mistake, I would actually be grateful for he once enlighten me in many things. Instead of saying "all" these things reminding me of him, I would say this is part of growing up. If he did not came in to my life and did all this, someone else will. There's nothing to be sad about.

The new 3Fs that I think is hilariously true. If you think I give a shit, you're not Feeding me, Fucking me, or Financing me, so think again. So you might know my name, but do you know who I am? You might know my story, but do you know what I've gone through? One could be looking down on someone and thinks he or she is a loser but hey, everything has a cycle. *pause* Geez... I rambled so much without knowing. wtf. I could say I'm done with it but it still lurks in me. Anyway, its always mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter. 

Human

I have this sudden flood of thought and I'm gonna write it down while it is still in my tiny box. I started thinking about what is the scariest thing on earth and to my realization, it's not ghost, beast or any lethal weapon but it's human itself. The reason why it's human is cause of the unknown. We all know what damage can be done by a ghost or beast or weapon but we will never know what a human being is thinking. Sure there are some human that is more simple and predictable, but what I'm saying here are those more complex human being. I'm sure everyone has experience at least once in their lifetime that a person that they knew once became a total stranger. Right? 

I like to describe a human as a room. It's how we decorate it and mould it to become who we are. We can decorate it with fancy things and live like the upper class society member living in the fast lane, or we provide the most basic thing for the room and be contented. Or we can decorate like a room of terror! Better still, have all those in one room. It is quite possible when you see it as a room with switches. What terrifies me is that, what causes the switch to flip in a split second? Let's just say plenty of reasons and let's not go there, shall we? 

Then the saying of be careful for what you wish for popped in to my box. We always wish, dream, pray, etc for something in our life, be it realistic or fantasy. Probably out of ten wishes, there's five fulfilled based on the fact that the other five is fantasies.haha.. We human really do wish and dream alot! XD 

I am going to be daring and say after all those things that we ask for, we only need one thing. Security. That's because what we fear the most is the unknown. Because no matter how hard a person try, shit still happens. 

We need to know that our wealth is secure, our health is secure, our relationship is secure but how the hell will we ever know that? Nobody can ever predict the future and please spare me with the fortune telling or horoscope or zodiac reading. It is actually mind over matter. You want to secure every aspect of your life? Secure your mind and allow no venom penetrating your mind telling you things you don't want it to happen.Yes, things happen because you let it happen. Problems arise because you created it in the first place. Mind is a powerful weapon that we have so little control over. Yes, at the end of my thought, I have no conclusion but to tell myself to strengthen my mind and gain more control . Such a simple thing yet such a long thought. LOL.