Friday, February 25, 2011


This is probably my second hiatus thus far. The difference was the first hiatus is not for grieving. Also the fact that I actually wanted to change my blog name and remove everything in it. The only thing that is stopping me is that, the name of this blog and the content works as a reminder, of someone I don't wanna become.

It is indeed the saddest part when someone came in to your life, made the greatest impact and left you feeling hopeless. It definitely made me treasure my family more than ever before.  I learnt who would be there for me when I'm surrounded by hard times. And with the hard times, it's easier for me to identify who's a true friend or merely an acquaintance. I was never to be able to tell the sincerity and often mistaken the love of my family as a restrain.

I remember a few days ago, I tweeted bout a dream I had. It was actually me being hunt by soldiers with a friend. I ran and hide and had the feeling that I would be caught eventually but it did not stop me from running. I think this dream is pretty easy to interpret cz dream is a way my brain try to communicate with me. Obviously I am avoiding something that I know I will never be able to conquer. And I keep avoiding and deny the problems, hoping that it would go away. The only way to stop all this is to go thru the stages of grief. 

Without knowing it myself, I have already gone through the first three stages. I denied and isolated the problem, later to feel furious about how things went and how it could be better. When the anger has passed, I realized it did not change anything at all, which comes to the third stage, bargaining. I prayed so hard to God hoping that all the problems would go away if I do something in return. Until some point, I know no amount of bargaining would help because things will never be the same. I feel depressed to the core! But, its O.K. to be depressed as it is part of the process of grief. Then it is absolutely the time for me to accept the fact and reality. The only problem is, I accepted the truth but only to find that I am still depressed. I actually accepted the truth yet find it impossible to let go. It not who that I miss but the times. The pain was excruciating and I wish I could summon my friends but it's easier to have a laughing friend than a crying friend. For now, I need some space but after that I just need to slap myself and get it over with. 

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